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But WHY are you touching him?

“Oh, how PRECIOUS! Is he a good baby? HELLO!”

And then Nasty McGermyfingers reaches for my kid and I cringe.

Look nice bank lady, I know you’ve probably grasped the idea behind personal hygiene because you work at a bank, but you also WORK AT A BANK. I worked as a cashier for 5 years straight. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t wash BLACK CRAP off my hands from touching money all day. Now it’s true, this lady wasn’t behind the desk and she’s probably not had to count bills in years, but even so…why do you HAVE to touch him?

Why does everyone HAVE to touch him?

I get it, babies invite touching. Babies are soft and cute and have the most awesome silky skin, they smile and giggle and reach out…but they’re also so very vulnerable to the 304958304958396 billion fucking diseases you carry. Now, I breastfeed, I have had him immunized (and no, not worried one bit about Autism…Autism does NOT come from shots, FFS!) and I keep him clean. I know that him encountering SOME germs is plenty important, which is why I don’t worry if one of his toys hits the carpet at home or he grabs my blanket to gnaw on. I let family members hold him, I let family pets investigate.

But I also know the medical history of all those things. I know who’s had their shots, I know what’s irredeemably disgusting, and what’s probably not a big deal.

But you, nasty chubby bank lady…you I don’t know. I don’t know if you wash your hands after taking a dump. I don’t know if you just went to visit your diseased cousin in the hospital yesterday. I don’t know if you are reaching out with a clean hand or a dirty one.

And I’m so shocked and mortified…I let you do it. I want to choke the life out of you…but instead I stand there like a moron, washing him smile at you before finally saying, “He’s getting grumpy.”

“This is grumpy?” Shocked.

“Oh yes. Very. He’s teething.”

“He’s…this is teething?” Pure disbelief now.



“He’s pretty easy going, but I should take him home now.” I smile wildly at her, and off I go.


Thing is, I’d lie if I were of a mind to – but I don’t even have to. HAR HAR.


Now let’s get the little man home so mommy can wash off all the nasty bank-lady germs. YUCK!


How do you play with a 3 month old?

I ask this not because I don’t play with my three month old, it’s just that his favorite games are (now) just complex enough socially that I’m forced to really pay attention to him, but they’re so very subtle that I get very distracted by…well…knowing that I should probably be doing the dishes, or maybe making myself something to eat for lunch, or heck, maybe just taking a nap (since I do not sleep well!).

His latest favorite games are as follows:

~ Blow bubbles so Mommy will wipe them off.

~ Make a “Hmm” noise repeatedly so Mommy will look over.

~ Slide down onto my back and whine so Mommy will sit me up.

~ Shove my fingers down my throat and make myself barf so Mommy will clean me up.

The issue is that he’s able to now play these (or combine them) for hours. And because they basically require my undivided attention, I’m getting even less done around the house.

Now while I’m of the opinion that it’s more important to have a happy kid than a messy house, and that you really can’t spoil a baby under the age of 6 months, I’m still very tired out by all this because well…no matter how I scold myself, I still get terribly bored and distracted. I try to make new games with him, to read to him, or to play exercise games or practice sitting or standing, but he would really much rather do more social things and babble at me for hours.

And then there’s the curse of “the little eyeballs” – sometimes he just stares at me, smiling, watching, cooing and blowing bubbles at me. At first it’s sort of cute, but on another level, I have extreme social phobias, where I much prefer to limit my social contact to a set design where I can break eye contact when I like, back off when I like, and be standoffish when I like. When I feel exposed, I really freeze up, panic and want to run away.

And maybe that’s why this is so especially tiring for me. Because he wants me to look at him, and he wants so badly for me to approach him, and he wants so badly to be held and loved…and I’m just not that way. My husband and I love each other very, very much and do cuddle, but we often do so while the other is preoccupied. It’s okay for us, because we’re both that way. We’re both highly distracted and need to do things iwth our hands or eyes and do so while hugging on the couch.

But you can’t be like that with a baby. He doesn’t understand that I love him even if I’m looking at the computer. He needs to see it on my face. He needs to be hugged and held.  But I still stress over it so very, very much, because I know what I’m like and I know what makes me happy, and I’m very content to just…entertain myself and be comfortable.

But with him, I need to entertain him, and make him comfortable.

I know the whole socializing thing is SO important, and during SUCH a fragile time…but man it’s hard for me.


Reminds me of a quote: “I see these mothers that can do everything and I think…maybe I should get them to do some stuff for me…”

I know I shouldn’t…but it’s SO CUTE!

My little man is hilariously advanced with his sounds. Like, he’s got most of his 4-6 months checked off already (babbling, cooing, mimicing). Part of this, I suspect is because he doesn’t spend 3-4 hours screaming every night like many kids (he most he gets is momentarily upset), then he just seems to get bored with making noise.

However this leaves lots of time for his new favorite game:



Ahh-prrrgh (or however you would make that 8-bit explosion sound. )

And if you talk to him he just gets sad that you’re not playing. But if you start “ahh-goo’ing” back at him, he just squeals with delight, and keeps saying “Ahh-goo!” “Ahh-PUUU!” “Ahh-<explosion sound>”. So yes, I’m communicating with my son through nonsense sounds, even though the baby books say “don’t googoo with them, just keep talking normally!” well…fuck you. He likes it, and when he’s not in the mood to play the game, I do talk normally.
Of course, this is going to bite me in the ass if he ever becomes famous and can only say “Ahh-goo.”