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Posted by dembai
I ask this not because I don’t play with my three month old, it’s just that his favorite games are (now) just complex enough socially that I’m forced to really pay attention to him, but they’re so very subtle that I get very distracted by…well…knowing that I should probably be doing the dishes, or maybe making myself something to eat for lunch, or heck, maybe just taking a nap (since I do not sleep well!).
His latest favorite games are as follows:
~ Blow bubbles so Mommy will wipe them off.
~ Make a “Hmm” noise repeatedly so Mommy will look over.
~ Slide down onto my back and whine so Mommy will sit me up.
~ Shove my fingers down my throat and make myself barf so Mommy will clean me up.
The issue is that he’s able to now play these (or combine them) for hours. And because they basically require my undivided attention, I’m getting even less done around the house.
Now while I’m of the opinion that it’s more important to have a happy kid than a messy house, and that you really can’t spoil a baby under the age of 6 months, I’m still very tired out by all this because well…no matter how I scold myself, I still get terribly bored and distracted. I try to make new games with him, to read to him, or to play exercise games or practice sitting or standing, but he would really much rather do more social things and babble at me for hours.
And then there’s the curse of “the little eyeballs” – sometimes he just stares at me, smiling, watching, cooing and blowing bubbles at me. At first it’s sort of cute, but on another level, I have extreme social phobias, where I much prefer to limit my social contact to a set design where I can break eye contact when I like, back off when I like, and be standoffish when I like. When I feel exposed, I really freeze up, panic and want to run away.
And maybe that’s why this is so especially tiring for me. Because he wants me to look at him, and he wants so badly for me to approach him, and he wants so badly to be held and loved…and I’m just not that way. My husband and I love each other very, very much and do cuddle, but we often do so while the other is preoccupied. It’s okay for us, because we’re both that way. We’re both highly distracted and need to do things iwth our hands or eyes and do so while hugging on the couch.
But you can’t be like that with a baby. He doesn’t understand that I love him even if I’m looking at the computer. He needs to see it on my face. He needs to be hugged and held. But I still stress over it so very, very much, because I know what I’m like and I know what makes me happy, and I’m very content to just…entertain myself and be comfortable.
But with him, I need to entertain him, and make him comfortable.
I know the whole socializing thing is SO important, and during SUCH a fragile time…but man it’s hard for me.
Reminds me of a quote: “I see these mothers that can do everything and I think…maybe I should get them to do some stuff for me…”